Imagine it’s Friday, there’s no school, your caught up on your work, & after a long hard week you can finally sleep in a little.

Then beside your bed at 5:30am you hear your little angel

“Good morning Mommy!” he’ll say in a voice that sounds like he’s just home from an all night bender.

You muffle something that resembles good morning. And for a moment as he crawls in bed asking for cartoons you think … just maybe. Maybe he’ll lay here quietly & watch tv & you can go back to bed for a bit. He does! For like ten minutes .. just long enough to give you hope. Then it starts.

“Mommy, I’m hungry.”

“Well go get breakfast.”

“We don’t have breakfast.”

“Yes, we do. Go get some cereal.”

I don’t want cereal.”

“Go get pop tarts.”

“I DON’T WANT POP TARTS!”

“Okay Tyler. Well go find something. There’s waffles, muffins, honey buns.”

“NO, I WANT DOUGHNUTS!”

You know he doesn’t just want any fucking doughnuts. No. The doughnuts he wants are across town, some thirty minutes away. You strap on your negotiating hat & try to get this child of yours to be rational. You try for a half hour .. but you’ll lose because there’s no rationalizing with a fucking toddler.

So at 6am you crawl outta bed. Completely disgusted but holding it together. You get dressed, get him dressed, walk the fucking dog & get in the car. An hour later you get home. Throw the golden doughnuts on a plate .. he takes one bite & then announces “I’m full.”

And you want to hit him .. but you can’t. So instead you sit down & try to explain to this ungrateful asshole that this is breakfast & he’s going to eat it. But he doesn’t care.

So now .. you can’t yell. You can’t swing. You can’t tell him what a dick he’s being. So instead you get on tumblr to blog about it and remind all of you without children to take your goddamn birth control pill.